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August 28, 2004
GOP Jokes
"The Republican Convention is coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the
month. Everyone is getting ready for the convention. The crack dealers
are switching to Viagra." -David Letterman
"The federal government reported that despite much higher expectations U.S.
employers only added 32,000 jobs to the payroll this month. Even worse
folks, the jobs were all in India." -Conan O'Brien
"Republicans are now trying to energize their Amish vote. Dick Cheney is
really pandering to the Amish. Today he told a senator to go f---
thyself." -Bill Maher
"Here's something I thought I'd never see President Bush do. He came out
today against legacy admissions in college. You know like if the father
went to the school they say the kids get in easier. Bush says the fact that
his father and grandfather went to Yale had nothing to do with him getting
into Yale. It was simply a matter of him personally meeting with the dean
and getting him high." -Bill Maher
"They've been having a lot of trouble in Illinois finding a Republican
candidate to go up against Barack Obama. Well I think they finally found
one in our own friend Alan Keyes, you know, the African-American fire-brand
conservative preacher. The only problem is Keyes lives in Maryland. ...
It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First they couldn't find Osama
bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons of mass
destruction in
Iraq, and now they can't find a black person in Chicago." -Bill Maher
"This week the Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is
'We've Turned A Corner And We're Not Turning Back.' This replaces their old
slogan 'Do What Dick Cheney Says And Nobody Gets Hurt.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Do you know what happened on this day 4 years ago? Well, whatever it was,
the Department of Homeland Security just found out today." -Jay Leno
"The Republicans now getting ready for their big convention in New York
City. Apparently they have a plan for going into New York, but they don't
have a plan for getting out." -Jay Leno
"Baseball has come out with these John Kerry and George W. Bush bobblehead
dolls. They're pretty realistic. The John Kerry bobblehead is huge and the
Bush bobblehead is empty." -Jay Leno
"In Davenport, Iowa, while President Bush and John Kerry were giving
speeches they had three banks robberies. You know you let Washington
politicians in your town and you're going to attract the wrong element.
...
Luckily both Bush and Kerry have been eliminated as suspects. Because of
his
wife Kerry doesn't need the money and, come on, nobody believes Bush is
smart enough to pull off this kind of job." -Jay Leno
"Bush and Kerry tried to plan their schedules so they're not in the
same
place at the same time. A tradition they started during Vietnam." -Craig
Kilborn
"President Bush told the crowd with your help Cheney and I will have
four
more years. I'm sorry -- that was his meeting with the Supreme Court."
-Jay
Leno
"At a Bush rally in Colorado folks stood up and asked questions. It
turns
out that they were plants. Bush knew the answers in advance. Bush said
hey
it worked at Yale." -Craig Kilborn
"Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each
other
at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's
daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the
Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how
when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric
chair." -Jay Leno
"Both President Bush and John Kerry campaigned in Davenport, Iowa,
just
a
few blocks away from each other. This allowed voters the choice of
getting
scared to death or bored to death." -Conan O'Brien
"This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices
reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping
$44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more
expensive the more we use it. ... Now the terror alert means higher oil
prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving
them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil
companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us -
it's the circle of
life." -Jon Stewart
"After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5
million
for
issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999
during which their CEO was - oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney
himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's
lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other
than
in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know
what? It's still true today." -Jon Stewart
"The White House admitted that the latest terror threat was based on
information that was four years old. A president's spokesman said that al
Qaeda plans the attacks well in advance and then updates the plans just
before attacking. Something that Bush doesn't do." -Jay Leno
"Al Qaeda's new strategy is to destroy our financial institutions and
bring the nation's big businesses and major corporations to its knees. No
wait, I'm sorry, that's Ralph Nader's platform." -Jay Leno
"President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just
'talks a good game.' Well, at least nobody can accuse Bush of that." -Jay
Leno
"Bush and Kerry were both campaigning in Davenport, Iowa. I didn't
realize
that was the hub of politics. They were speaking just three blocks away
from
each other. While Bush and Kerry were speaking three banks were robbed. I
guess the robbers felt that they could get the money before the
politicians
get the money and run out of town." -Jay Leno
"According to the Drudge Report the domestic centerpiece, the
Republican
agenda for the second Bush term, is to get rid of the IRS. So Bush is
really
serious about going after these terrorist organizations." -Jay Leno
"You can tell that the information is dated because al Qaeda was
planning
an attack during Al Gore's inauguration." -David Letterman
"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to
Iran,
and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the
minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." -Jay
Leno
"A lot of people are wondering if these terror threats are politically
motivated and today Tom Ridge said in a press conference: We don't do
politics in the Department of Homeland Security. Our job is to identify
the
threat and then assign it a pretty little color to go with it." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry and John Edwards recently published their political
promises
and strategies in a book. You see that's smart putting all their ideas
in a
book. This way they're certain to keep them secret from Bush." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry told George Stephanopoulos that he has a secret plan for
Iraq.
But he said he can't reveal it unless he's elected president. Bush has a
plan too, he just can't talk about it either until he's really 'elected'
president." -Jay Leno
"The latest polls say that Bush and Kerry are tied. President Bush
said
forget Kerry, how am I doing with the candidate from Manchuria?" -Craig
Kilborn
"Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be
afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange
for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New
Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down
as
head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused
to
comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a
desire
to spend more time at home, scaring his family." -Jon Stewart
"The president announced a new position for one man to be in charge
of
all
terrorism-related decisions. Don't we have this? Isn't this called the
president?" -Craig Kilborn
"Bush spent all morning reading the latest security briefing even
though
it took time away from ignoring the middle class." -Craig Kilborn
"Kerry and Edwards set out on a two-week, 21-state bus tour. On the
side
of the bus it says, 'Believe in America.' You know what it says on the
side
of Ralph Nader's bus? 'Exact change only.'" -Jay Leno
"Bush and Cheney have a new campaign theme: 'Heart and Soul.' I think
that
sounds better than their first choice, 'Oil and Gas."' -Jay Leno
"Bush is back in DC, that's where he goes when he wants to get away
from
the ranch for a few weeks." -Jay Leno
"Bush said he is working hard to cut off al Qaeda's finances and
believe
me, he is the man to do it. He drove three companies into bankruptcy -
what's one more?" -Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney says that terrorists attacks are caused by the
perception
of
weakness and then he ran back to his underground bunker in an undisclosed
location." -David Letterman
Posted by mbowen at 10:30 AM | Comments (0)
Rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at covered breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week!
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Posted by mbowen at 10:26 AM | Comments (0)
August 21, 2004
Billie, Billie, Billie
I say again, whew! Just getting home from the 9-5 Billie Holiday workshop I did at Antioch. And all (well, not totally all) I can say is that it was “intensely rewarding and fun…if that makes any sense. Here were 16 students who showed up on time (2 came down from Santa Barbara) and stayed till the end. I had had an uncomfortable feeling beforehand that there wasn’t gonna be enuf meaningful stuff to fill that amount of time; but Billie really did a number on the group…and me! I had downloaded onto the laptop 20 cd’s (10 from her 1933-1944 period and the other from 1945 to 1959). I just used the latter during the class because the sound quality was better and it was easier to hear the lyrics.
I had set up an index so, as a last minute thought last night, I passed the list around and let students pick a song or 2 they wanted to hear. I asked that before I played the piece, they explain the reason for their choice(s). That alone was quite an exercise. I had also downloaded and printed out the lyrics for about 10 songs and I inserted Billie’s flick on each page. That way, the class could follow along as the selection was played. They were in 4 groups of 4 students each and I had them talk about what they got out of the music. So, as planned, we spent a lot of time just listening.
In the afternoon I played a 90 minute video I’ve had for some time. The timing was “perfect” in that the students enjoyed not just listening, but seeing as well. One student (who said she was a long time Billie fan) said that until watching the video she had never heard (or heard of) “Strange Fruit.” She said she almost cried when watching BH sing it. Then she came close to tears when sharing that!
It was a long and tiring day…but truly fulfilling. I am a long way from being even close to the label, “Billie Holiday expert.” But I am quite comfortable with my growing knowledge and appreciation for her true artistry…against a backdrop of exploitative men, damaging personal relationships, racism, booze and drugs and a monstrous childhood. In an ironical way, she was the strangest fruit of all. And the world of jazz…and beyond is better for it.
Now to some KFC, Heineken’s and (well deserved) rest or maybe even early zzzzzzzzzzzz.
peace.and MUSIC!!
Posted by mbowen at 10:08 AM | Comments (0)
August 16, 2004
NOSEY NEIGHBOR
One Saturday afternoon,
I was sitting in my lawn chair,
drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at
this that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser,
wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses
and stared directly at this nosey neighbor
and then calmly replied,
"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
Posted by mbowen at 10:24 AM | Comments (0)
Carlin on Aging
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. (Please note it does not say Barb Heimer!)
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day
Posted by mbowen at 10:23 AM | Comments (0)