August 03, 2005
Do Not Keep This Message
This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have
received. Hope it works for you -- and me!
You have 6 minutes
There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not
superstitious. This has been sent To you for good luck from the
Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent around the world ten
times so Far.
Do not keep this message.
must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very
unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious,
agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you
want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams
don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the
only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relative! s.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps
to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in
your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
Now, here's the FUN part!
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve. 1-4 people:
Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you
ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your
heart. Do not keep this message
Posted by mbowen at 10:38 AM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2004
GOP Jokes
"The Republican Convention is coming to town. It's coming up at the end of the
month. Everyone is getting ready for the convention. The crack dealers
are switching to Viagra." -David Letterman
"The federal government reported that despite much higher expectations U.S.
employers only added 32,000 jobs to the payroll this month. Even worse
folks, the jobs were all in India." -Conan O'Brien
"Republicans are now trying to energize their Amish vote. Dick Cheney is
really pandering to the Amish. Today he told a senator to go f---
thyself." -Bill Maher
"Here's something I thought I'd never see President Bush do. He came out
today against legacy admissions in college. You know like if the father
went to the school they say the kids get in easier. Bush says the fact that
his father and grandfather went to Yale had nothing to do with him getting
into Yale. It was simply a matter of him personally meeting with the dean
and getting him high." -Bill Maher
"They've been having a lot of trouble in Illinois finding a Republican
candidate to go up against Barack Obama. Well I think they finally found
one in our own friend Alan Keyes, you know, the African-American fire-brand
conservative preacher. The only problem is Keyes lives in Maryland. ...
It's starting to look bad for Republicans. First they couldn't find Osama
bin Laden in Afghanistan, then they couldn't find weapons of mass
destruction in
Iraq, and now they can't find a black person in Chicago." -Bill Maher
"This week the Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is
'We've Turned A Corner And We're Not Turning Back.' This replaces their old
slogan 'Do What Dick Cheney Says And Nobody Gets Hurt.'" -Conan O'Brien
"Do you know what happened on this day 4 years ago? Well, whatever it was,
the Department of Homeland Security just found out today." -Jay Leno
"The Republicans now getting ready for their big convention in New York
City. Apparently they have a plan for going into New York, but they don't
have a plan for getting out." -Jay Leno
"Baseball has come out with these John Kerry and George W. Bush bobblehead
dolls. They're pretty realistic. The John Kerry bobblehead is huge and the
Bush bobblehead is empty." -Jay Leno
"In Davenport, Iowa, while President Bush and John Kerry were giving
speeches they had three banks robberies. You know you let Washington
politicians in your town and you're going to attract the wrong element.
...
Luckily both Bush and Kerry have been eliminated as suspects. Because of
his
wife Kerry doesn't need the money and, come on, nobody believes Bush is
smart enough to pull off this kind of job." -Jay Leno
"Bush and Kerry tried to plan their schedules so they're not in the
same
place at the same time. A tradition they started during Vietnam." -Craig
Kilborn
"President Bush told the crowd with your help Cheney and I will have
four
more years. I'm sorry -- that was his meeting with the Supreme Court."
-Jay
Leno
"At a Bush rally in Colorado folks stood up and asked questions. It
turns
out that they were plants. Bush knew the answers in advance. Bush said
hey
it worked at Yale." -Craig Kilborn
"Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each
other
at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's
daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the
Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how
when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric
chair." -Jay Leno
"Both President Bush and John Kerry campaigned in Davenport, Iowa,
just
a
few blocks away from each other. This allowed voters the choice of
getting
scared to death or bored to death." -Conan O'Brien
"This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices
reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping
$44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more
expensive the more we use it. ... Now the terror alert means higher oil
prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving
them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil
companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us -
it's the circle of
life." -Jon Stewart
"After a long investigation the SEC has fined Halliburton $7.5
million
for
issuing fraudulent statements exaggerating their profits in 1998 and 1999
during which their CEO was - oh who was it? Oh that's right. ... Cheney
himself has not been implicated in the scandal and according to Cheney's
lawyer there is no allegation whatsoever that he acted in any way other
than
in the best interests of the company and its shareholders. And you know
what? It's still true today." -Jon Stewart
"The White House admitted that the latest terror threat was based on
information that was four years old. A president's spokesman said that al
Qaeda plans the attacks well in advance and then updates the plans just
before attacking. Something that Bush doesn't do." -Jay Leno
"Al Qaeda's new strategy is to destroy our financial institutions and
bring the nation's big businesses and major corporations to its knees. No
wait, I'm sorry, that's Ralph Nader's platform." -Jay Leno
"President Bush said the other side, meaning Kerry and Edwards, just
'talks a good game.' Well, at least nobody can accuse Bush of that." -Jay
Leno
"Bush and Kerry were both campaigning in Davenport, Iowa. I didn't
realize
that was the hub of politics. They were speaking just three blocks away
from
each other. While Bush and Kerry were speaking three banks were robbed. I
guess the robbers felt that they could get the money before the
politicians
get the money and run out of town." -Jay Leno
"According to the Drudge Report the domestic centerpiece, the
Republican
agenda for the second Bush term, is to get rid of the IRS. So Bush is
really
serious about going after these terrorist organizations." -Jay Leno
"You can tell that the information is dated because al Qaeda was
planning
an attack during Al Gore's inauguration." -David Letterman
"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to
Iran,
and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the
minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." -Jay
Leno
"A lot of people are wondering if these terror threats are politically
motivated and today Tom Ridge said in a press conference: We don't do
politics in the Department of Homeland Security. Our job is to identify
the
threat and then assign it a pretty little color to go with it." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry and John Edwards recently published their political
promises
and strategies in a book. You see that's smart putting all their ideas
in a
book. This way they're certain to keep them secret from Bush." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry told George Stephanopoulos that he has a secret plan for
Iraq.
But he said he can't reveal it unless he's elected president. Bush has a
plan too, he just can't talk about it either until he's really 'elected'
president." -Jay Leno
"The latest polls say that Bush and Kerry are tied. President Bush
said
forget Kerry, how am I doing with the candidate from Manchuria?" -Craig
Kilborn
"Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge made that critical leap from 'be
afraid' to 'be very afraid,' raising the terrorist threat level to orange
for financial sectors in New York, Washington, D.C., and northern New
Jersey. ... Ridge's announcement comes amidst reports he will step down
as
head of homeland security after the election. Ridge himself has refused
to
comment on the story, though colleagues say he has often expressed a
desire
to spend more time at home, scaring his family." -Jon Stewart
"The president announced a new position for one man to be in charge
of
all
terrorism-related decisions. Don't we have this? Isn't this called the
president?" -Craig Kilborn
"Bush spent all morning reading the latest security briefing even
though
it took time away from ignoring the middle class." -Craig Kilborn
"Kerry and Edwards set out on a two-week, 21-state bus tour. On the
side
of the bus it says, 'Believe in America.' You know what it says on the
side
of Ralph Nader's bus? 'Exact change only.'" -Jay Leno
"Bush and Cheney have a new campaign theme: 'Heart and Soul.' I think
that
sounds better than their first choice, 'Oil and Gas."' -Jay Leno
"Bush is back in DC, that's where he goes when he wants to get away
from
the ranch for a few weeks." -Jay Leno
"Bush said he is working hard to cut off al Qaeda's finances and
believe
me, he is the man to do it. He drove three companies into bankruptcy -
what's one more?" -Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney says that terrorists attacks are caused by the
perception
of
weakness and then he ran back to his underground bunker in an undisclosed
location." -David Letterman
Posted by mbowen at 10:30 AM | Comments (0)
Rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at covered breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week!
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
Posted by mbowen at 10:26 AM | Comments (0)
August 16, 2004
NOSEY NEIGHBOR
One Saturday afternoon,
I was sitting in my lawn chair,
drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at
this that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser,
wiped the cold foam from my lips,
lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses
and stared directly at this nosey neighbor
and then calmly replied,
"I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
Posted by mbowen at 10:24 AM | Comments (0)
Carlin on Aging
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. (Please note it does not say Barb Heimer!)
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day
Posted by mbowen at 10:23 AM | Comments (0)
July 16, 2004
Memory Stick
SON: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD: Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via
e-mail with your Mom and we met at a CyberSAFE. We snuck into a
secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall Since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the
story.
Posted by mbowen at 05:56 PM | Comments (0)
June 07, 2004
Nine Eleven Mishaps
After Sept. 11th, one company invited the remaining members of other
companies who had been decimated by the attack on the Twin Towers to share their available office space.
At a morning meeting, the head of security told stories of why these people were alive...... and all the stories were just: The 'L I T T L E' things
As you might know, the head of the company got in late that day because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.
One of them missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.
One's car wouldn't start.
One went back to answer the telephone.
One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should
have.
One couldn't get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.
Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone ... all the little things that annoy me. I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment.
Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated; God is at work watching over you.
May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.
Pass this on to someone else, if you'd like. There is NO LUCK attached. If you delete this, it's okay! God's Love Is Not Dependent On E-Mail.
Posted by mbowen at 10:33 AM | Comments (0)